


first time for everything

by budapestagain



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5 Firsts, 5 Things, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 20:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11881866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/budapestagain/pseuds/budapestagain
Summary: Five relationship firsts - all in the wrong order.1. "I love you"2. Present3. Fight4. Doctor's Appointment5. Kiss





	first time for everything

  1. **First “I love you”**



Dean  found that he couldn’t keep his eyes off Cas once they were in the car and safe, driving away from that stupid damned barn. He’d thought…he blinked away the image of Cas dying and focused on the road. Thankfully, it was a quiet night in the middle of nowhere so he didn’t have to worry about crashing. Imagine if Cas had survived a knight of hell and then died in a car crash…

  The car swerved and Sam was jolted awake in the back seat. “Dean!” He hissed, quietly as not to wake Cas. “Sure you don’t want me to drive?”

  “I’m fine.” Dean sighed. They’d had the same argument a few times but Dean didn’t need any sleep. “I can drive.”

  Cas driving was out of the question. He’d zoned out as soon as Dean had started up the car. He was in the passenger seat, head resting against the window. He’d have a sore neck when he woke up but Dean didn’t want to disturb him; he needed his rest.

  “We should talk to Cas about what happened.”

  “What about it?” Dean turned the radio off. Cas’ slow breathing filled the front of the car – a welcome sign that he was still alive.

  “He loves you.”

  “He loves all of us.”

  Sam laughed quietly. “He said that he loved _you_ before the rest of us. Are you really that blind?”

  Dean shook his head and turned the radio back on. He glanced at Cas, pointedly ignoring Sam. Hair messed up, chest rising and falling, lips pursed, tie loose around his neck. He was okay. Safe. That was good enough for Dean. He looked back to the road and pretended that he couldn’t see Sam frowning in the back seat.

 

  1. **First Present**



Trying to fit everything that Cas was to Dean inside a mix tape was impossible.

  Dean browsed through endless amounts of songs and found a few that _maybe_ made him think of Cas. But these songs were slow and expressed things that Dean didn’t have the courage to say. So he stuck to his favourites – classic rock, a few upbeat eighties songs, and the odd song he’d heard Cas singing. It took him most of the weekend and when he finally emerged from his bedroom for Sunday dinner, Sam looked pleased.

  “Stopped moping about Cas?” He teased as he ladled out soup. _With vegetables_. That was the last time Dean left the cooking to him.

  “I’m not moping.” Dean grabbed them both a beer then sat down. “I was making him something, _actually_.”

  “Oh?”

  “A mixtape,” Dean explained and Sam laughed so much that he had to clutch at his aching stomach.

 

Giving Cas the mixtape was another problem.

  He was finally happy with the songs after listening to the tape three times in a row. He stuck a label on the tape and, after much deliberation, he simply _for cas_.

  Cas had come home for the weekend. He was exhausted, due to Crowley’s constant presence, but the two days with them had relaxed him again – and made him more reluctant to leave. He double-checked his bag and grabbed some emergency food supplies and then ironed a few of his shirt. Dean finally ended up saying something.

  When Cas passed his room, Dean leapt out and almost pulled him inside. “I have something for you,” he said. Cas waited patiently as Dean rifled through his drawer for the tape. “Uh, I thought I should educate you in the classics. Better than the shit you hear on the radio.” Dean tried a smile but Cas simply looked stunned.

  “You made this…for me?”

  “Yeah. You don’t have to take it if you don’t want. But living on the road can get lonely. And since you insist that you have to do this alone…I guess this is a way for you to take me with you.” Dean hesitated. “I miss you when you’re away.”

  “I wish I could bring the real you with me,” Cas replied. “But I need to keep you safe.” He smiled back. “Thank you, Dean.”

  “No problem, Cas. You should set off soon, if you’re meeting Crowley.”

  Cas groaned and Dean laughed, gently pushing him out of the bunker. God knows that he wanted Cas to stay but the angel had some mad notion about doing this alone. As the brothers waved Cas off, Sam noticed that Cas was putting a tape in the cassette player and Dean looked like he was barely holding back tears.

 

  1. **First Fight**



Dean was furious.

  He had gone beyond the realms of angry or mad into blood-boiling fury. Sam had given up on trying to convince him to calm down because Dean had stopped listening. He paced the length of the room, occasionally stopping to check his phone. _Nothing_. Cas had gone off the grid – radio silence. Even Crowley looked mildly concerned.

 Dean paused to remember the dried blood on Cas’ car door and struggled to breathe for a second. The pure blind panic hadn’t faded in the twenty hours since they’d found Cas’ abandoned car. Cas had sent them an e-mail saying: **don’t worry, will be back soon, something I need to do, heaven needs me**. Terror rose up in his throat now but he fought it down. He could be scared later; anger would help him now. Anger would get him through this.

 

His hand flew into Cas’ cheek before he could stop himself. Then he stepped back as Cas stared, holding his hand to his red cheek with wide eyes. He’d just _bitch slapped_ Cas.

  “You deserve it!” He announced. “Disappearing for a week with no contact! We thought you were dead! Do you have any idea how terrified I was?”

  Cas flushed with anger. “I am still an angel,” he retorted, fire in his voice. “I can take care of myself. And I was with my brothers and sisters.”

  “And you abandon us as soon as Heaven beckons?” Dean felt like crying. Why couldn’t Cas see how much he meant to them? “Is Heaven more important now?”

  “Dean.” Sam rested a hand on his shoulder, pulling him away from Cas. “Maybe we should all calm down. I’ll drive home and you two can sit in the back. Maybe talk this out?”

  “Fine.” Dean tore away from Sam’s touch and sat in the back of the Impala. Cas joined him while Sam called someone outside. Dean hesitated. This was by no means their first fight but…it seemed different. They weren’t angry anymore, they were tired. “I’m sorry,” Dean said. Cas’ face softened and Dean touched Cas’ red cheek.

  “I’m sorry, too. But I’m okay, Dean. I’m fine.” Even as Dean touched Cas’ cheek, the redness faded. “I did deserve it.”

  “Like Hell you did!” Dean felt himself tremble with anger – but this time, at himself. “I shouldn’t have said that. I was just…so scared that you were gone. Forever. I didn’t think. But don’t you dare think that you deserved that. You deserve nothing but happiness. This—” His fingers traced a pattern on Cas’ cheek; the unfamiliar feeling of stubble itching at his skin made his heart do somersaults in his chest. “—is all on me.”

  “We’ll share the burden.” Cas smiled.

  Then Sam got in the car and saw them. Dean hastily retreated back to his side of the back seat and Sam looked  amused. “Okay, idiots,” he said. “We’re going home.”

 

 

  1. **First Doctor’s Appointment**



Dean knew that Sam thought he was acting weird but he couldn’t tell him. Couldn’t explain how scared he was. This wasn’t something love or bravery could defeat. This was a cold reminder of his mortality. The thing. The persistent cough. The lack of an appetite. The exhaustion. He’d looked up his symptoms and one had stood out.

  Lung cancer.

  He’d been to the doctor’s and a hospital check-up and now he was just waiting for the results. Dean found himself hovering around the front door, staring at the cancer brochures he’d hidden in his pocket, away from Sam’s prying eyes. He had ten minutes left before he absolutely had to leave for the doctor’s office and he was using every last second of it to calm himself down. _I can’t have cancer. I can’t. I need treatment right away if I do. It’ll be fine. Treat it before it’s too late_.

  Too late meant that Sam would watch him deteriorate in a hospital bed. Plan his funeral.

  Cas appeared beside Dean, arms folded over his chest. “What’s wrong?” He asked. “You’ve been stood here for ten minutes.”

  “I need you to drive me somewhere.”

  “Of course. Where are we going?”

 

 

Once sat in the waiting room, Dean found himself sweating, mouth pressed together to stop himself speaking. Cas was reading the information booklets with a deep frown. In the car, he’d uttered reassurances but they’d both heard his voice break slightly.

  “Mr Vernon?” The receptionist called and Dean looked desperately at Cas.

  “It’s going to be okay, I promise. Whatever happens, I am here for you. I won’t leave again.” Cas looked so serious that Dean felt his heart clench painfully. “I may not be able to heal you but I can try. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “Thank you, Cas.” Dean nudged him affectionately then walked off.

 

 

Cas was still sat in the same position when Dean came back. His hands were clasped in his lap, staring straight ahead. God, he was beautiful. Dean…Dean didn’t know what he’d do without him. He felt his spirits rise and waved goodbye at his smiling doctor. Cas looked up and relief flooded his face.

  “Liver inflammation!” Dean announced. “Easily treatable, not a big deal. I’m gonna be fine, Cas.”

  “Oh thank Father.” Cas closed his eyes briefly before pulling Dean outside to hug him by the Impala, face buried in his neck.

 

 

  1. **First Kiss**



Dean felt happier than he had in years. He was healthy (ish); Cas was staying at the bunker more and more; he was sleeping soundly every night; the monsters of America were behaving themselves.

  In August, Cas came home for good, having abandoned the fruitless search for Lucifer. Crowley followed soon after, much to Cas’ irritation, but he only stayed for a few days every week. He still had a kingdom to run. Sam listened to Cas’ excuse of Lucifer disappearing off the face of the Earth but knew that the angel had returned for Dean, who welcomed him back with open arms and pie.

  Halfway through September, Dean and Cas argued about something stupid. It started off trivial then escalated to something more. Dean said some hurtful things, Cas stormed out, Dean went for a drive, and when he came back, Cas’ bedroom door was firmly shut.

  Dean sat outside of Cas’ bedroom all night and whispered apologies he wasn’t sure Cas could hear. Sam came past on his way to bed and smiled sympathetically at Dean. “The door isn’t locked,” he said. “He’ll want to see you.”

  Dean opened the door and Cas looked up from his position on the bed. He pushed his laptop gently to the side. “What you doing?” Dean asked. Cas didn’t look angry. In fact, he looked happy.

  “Watching Netflix. Do you want to join me?”

  “Yes. Please.”

  Dean settled down and leaned into Cas’ shoulder as they searched for a show to watch.

 

  A few hours later, Dean realised that Cas was staring at him. “I’m sorry,” Dean said.

  “I forgive you.”

  “You sure? I’d understand if you hated me.”

  “I could never hate you.” Cas yawned. “We should get some sleep.” Cas put the laptop away then looked at Dean. “Stay?” He suggested. Dean nodded. He hadn’t thought of leaving.

 

Dean woke up and kissed Cas. He didn’t mean to. He just felt warmth and Cas’ arm around his waist and he rolled over and kissed him. Cas undeniably kissed him back. Strong hands gripped Dean and pulled him closer. Dean had waited so long for this and he’d never expected it to be like this. He knew it would feel like this – like a thousand fireworks had exploded and short-circuited his brain. But he’d imagined the end of the world. Not the security of Cas’ bed, blankets tangled round their legs.

  “Oh.” Cas said when they stopped kissing and started smiling.

  “Yeah.” Dean was still tired so he closed his eyes and pulled Cas closer. “’M tired,” he explained.

  He felt a hand rest on his leg as Cas settled into his chest.

  “I love you too,” Dean whispered and for a second, he swore Cas stopped breathing. “In  the barn, you said…that you loved me. I love you too.” The words felt strange, foreign – when had he last said them? To Sam, Mom, Dad, anyone?

  Dean opened one eye, heart pounding, and saw that Cas was beaming at him. He closed his eye again and muttered a sleepy _goodnight_ even though it was morning and fell asleep promptly with Cas at his side.

 

 

Sam opened the door to Cas’ bedroom and smiled. He was going to offer coffee and maybe pancakes if Cas was still upset but…Dean was there. Dean was actually in Cas’ bed, lips pressed to the angel’s forehead as they slept. As Dean slept. Cas was wide awake, staring at Dean with such awe and adoration that it made Sam’s heart ache.

  Cas saw Sam and looked apprehensive. Sam smiled at him. “Proud of you,” he whispered, careful not to wake Dean. “Tell him I’m proud.”

  “I will.”

  Sam nodded and headed back out, shutting the door gently behind him. He dialled the number on his phone and the call was picked up right away.

  “Morning, Moose.”

  “ _Crowley_ , _guess who just got together_?”

**Author's Note:**

> please leave comments :) thank you for reading!!


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